My 2011 Fear (#Reverb11)

My second partial complex seizure in April of this year, which occurred just after I had rehabilitated about 90% from my first, left me with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt before. The anxiety was so great that it caused me to have a conversion disorder resulting in an inability to speak or walk. For almost 8 months, I have been stuck in a wheelchair and limited to communicating via writing or texting.
I have been miserable, but I am hopeful, due mostly to my husband’s encouragement, that I will be able to work through all of the issues that “broke” me.

2008 and Forward
Without going into much detail, I can say with certainty that what is going on in my life right now draws its roots from 2009. They say there are hills and valleys in your life; unfortunately, my hills didn’t get much larger than ant hills before I got pulled down into the valley again, both emotionally and physically.
You know when you buy one type of car, you start seeing the same make and model everywhere? I’ve found when I’m in this drowning deep end of depression that I see the most ridiculous words of encouragement:

• No matter how tough life is, it’s still what you make of it! So make today amazing.
• Live beyond your limitations!
• Choose happiness!
• Smile when you don’t feel like it!
• I believe in being strong when everything goes wrong.
• Consider your reactions when something shakes you.
• If you want something to get better, be better!

Perhaps if I was just sad or in a bad mood, these words would change my attitude, but right now, they’re nothing but words of ridicule, even if they are from some of my dearest friends.
I’m finding a similar reaction to people who post on my facebook, tweet me, email me, or text me. With very few exceptions, if I’m “doing” anything other than “fine”, the conversation is over. It really makes me want to stay out of the world of technology. My friends know what has happened to me over the past three years: there’s no need to rehash it. When I say I’m having a bad day, or I’m hurting, you can at least acknowledge those feelings rather than ignore me. All I need to hear from you is that you’re thinking about me, praying for me, or sending me love.

More Seizures?
My husband says I’ve been broken, but I think he’s only 75% right. Yes, life’s events over the past few years have been more than I can bear, but there’s something else.
I had been improving healthwise before my April seizure. My first seizure had left me unable to use the right side of my body, but by the beginning of January, I was walking with a cane. So shortly afterward, I was struck by another seizure.
Again, I had to deal with the doctor questioning whether I was having a stroke. And initially, my aphasia was thought to be neurological. Later, it was determined that I had experienced another seizure, and my body responded with two separate conversion disorders.
Whether true or not; whether rational or not; I now attribute improvement as foreshadowing another health crisis. Such beliefs conflict with my need to improve, but unfortunately you can’t always make your thoughts and beliefs agree with each other.

As much as I need medication, counseling, and therapy; I would really be content with a mind eraser pill. Make me forget what has happened over these last three years so that I can enter 2012 feeling empowered, energized, and inspired. A girl can dream, right?

Levitin’s "The World in Six Songs", part 3

This blog is part 3 of my series exploring Daniel Levitin’s “The World in Six Songs: How the Musical Brain Created Human Nature”. I would highly recommend you start at the beginning of 7-part blog series of Levitin’s book to fully appreciate his writing. I would also highly recommend following Daniel Levitin to continue learning from this musician and neuroscientist.
For those new to my blog, I use book chapters from each book I read as my blog prompts!

Chapter Three: Joy or “Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut”
Similar to my last blog, I want to focus on the chosen song before delving into the chapter. I think the best description of this song, however, is in listening and watching the commercial. Provided that you’re not allergic to chocolate, coconut, or almonds; my guess is you’re now smiling and hungry. This song has been the jingle for Almond Joy and Mounds since at least 1970, and you can still hear the tune in the 2011 commercial. The 1992 version, though, will always be my favorite!
If you’ve read my blog on joy, you know that I view joy as a constant, superceding emotions and circumstances. As Levitin’s third chapter is all about emotions, I’ll use another description he gives his readers: giddiness.
While there is intermingling, I think this latest read can be split into two topics: emotions and experiments.

Emotions
Levitin returns to his conversation with Sting as he begins this chapter. According to Sting,

• “I think the first song was just abstract fun with sound. You know, opening your mouth and going ‘Aaaaa Ooooo Aaaaa Eeeee Aye!’ And once you’ve developed that as a sense of play, or a sense of opening the trachea and breathing — putting stuff out in the atmosphere — then songs come from there. But they’re essentially fun; it’s fun to make those sounds … it’s a simple vowel thing — it creates this bond, it creates this link between us all … They’re probably the most effective songs, really.”

Reading that quote reminded me of an interview the New Kids on the Block gave when they first reunited in 2008, saying that “Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh” were the five words that made them famous! The New Kids on the Block have performed six songs with those vowels (Favorite Girl, Cover Girl, Hangin’ Tough, Games, You Got it (The Right Stuff), and Tonight), and four out of the six were top ten hits for them in the late eighties and early nineties!
It is because of that “fun” that songs have become commercials. Levitin writes this has become the standard over the past 30 years, but as demonstrated by the Almond Joy and Mounds commercials, I am convinced it has to be at least 40 years!
Now the question is why does music make us happy, or why is it fun? The why will lead into the next section, but suffice to say, Levitin explains there is a link between music and the increased release of endorphins, immunoglobuluin, serotonin, and oxytocin as well as other chemicals. This “feel good” feeling is also related to health, stress reduction, and immune system fortitude. Endorphins might be a familiar term, but oxytocin might not be. Oxytocin is the hormone released during an orgasm; it is not only a feel-good hormone, but it also causes one to have a strong connection with another.

Experiments
Unfortunately the links discovered between music and our ability to feel happy are just correlations. No one has been able to prove definitively that music can cause the release of chemicals in our body. Levitin writes, “there have only been a dozen or so careful, rigorous studies”. Creative individuals, then, are more likely to support a causal relationship whereas scientists will not. Daniel Levitin, as a student of both music and neurology, feels conflicted about the subject. It’s not enough to have quasi-experiments showing correlations, but he has seen what he believes are the effects of music on individuals. These beliefs need to be supported by the pure scientific method which requires that music be the only variable that changes. Stringent controls on experimental studies are difficult in a natural environment, so such a thorough rigorous study required by the scientific field.
As a research psychologist, Levitin’s conflict on causation and correlation makes me consider a research study. Unfortunately, I don’t have a laboratory; so I’m not much better than others showing correlations! I don’t have the years of music study as Levitin has, so I will have to rely on correlations as I was taught in my years of post-graduate study!

I really appreciate how Levitin introduces psychology/science in this chapter. Research will continue to be a passion of mine, even if other elements have crept in (music, entertainment, writing, etc.). The more I can learn about previous research that has been done can only be catalysts to push me toward my own research projects.

Continue to part 4 of this 7-part blog series.

Anthony Storr’s Music and the Mind, Part 2

While the quotes used by Anthony Storr in his book Music and the Mind first drew me in, it was the way he developed the story that continued to keep me engaged. Music and the Mind was published in 1992 (outside of my two year rule, bust in my defense, I read the book before writing my last blog), and the author takes his reader through the origin of music through how music has become such an integral part of our lives. As with other books, I focused on specific chapters rather than reading from beginning to end. From my understanding of the introductions to the chapters I omitted, they were focused on music theory more than the philosophy or psychology of music. This is the second of a two-part series on Anthony Storr’s Music and the Mind.

The Solitary Listener
Storr tells us that listening to music by oneself is a modern occurrence. That is something that I had never considered. While Storr doesn’t give us a timeline, being a solitary listener has always been a part of my life – watching music videos alone in my bedroom, listening to tapes recorded from the radio, bringing my walkman to school, and now adding almost 1000 mp3s to my phone.
Storr explains, some composers, songwriters, and performers intended their music to be heard live for an audience, implying that a recorded performance lost its value. In my experience, the recorded version of a song is never the same as a live performance: artists have freedom to rearrange the music on the stage and make each performance unique. That liberty is not allowed in the recording studio where the artist records his voice in a small box. I like both the recorded and live versions of a song. I like to compare the differences, and I like how my experience with the music changes between live and recorded versions of a song.
Speaking of experiences, Storr concludes his chapter on the solitary listener by talking about those moments when a song you heard recently or some time ago pops into your head. He says when that happens to him, he tries to figure out why. Sometimes, he’ll be trying to remember the tune or lyrics to one song, and another song will come to mind: I experienced both occurrences in the past week!

• In one instance, I had attended a conference, and one statement immediately brought to mind a song I learned 16 years ago! I have since contacted the artist and will be receiving the album with this song in about a week.
• In another instance, I was trying to remember a song I had heard in the late 80s. The artist only recorded one album. I started looking for it in the late nineties but never had any success. Whenever I find a new music forum, I post my request, and I’ve done that every few years. Last week, I found a new music forum and left my comment. Then, I tried to remember the song. I knew it was about a little girl, but I couldn’t remember the tune or the lyrics. Instead, another song came to mind: an up-tempo acapella song that also talked about a little girl. No matter how hard I tried, the song I wanted to remember was a song I never could.

Storr concludes by sharing what philosophers and psychologists had to say about music. Without going into too much detail, I will say I was surprised to hear such names as Freud, Jung, and Nietzsche.

Anthony Storr’s Music and the Mind, Part 1

While the quotes used by Anthony Storr in his book Music and the Mind first drew me in, it was the way he developed the story that continued to keep me engaged. Music and the Mind was published in 1992 (outside of my two year rule, bust in my defense, I read the book before writing my last blog), and the author takes his reader through the origin of music through how music has become such an integral part of our lives. As with other books, I focused on specific chapters rather than reading from beginning to end. From my understanding of the introductions to the chapters I omitted, they were focused on music theory more than the philosophy or psychology of music. This is the first of a two-part series on Anthony Storr’s Music and the Mind.

Origin of Music
The way he explores the origin and use of music is very similar to someone thinking aloud. He explores what philosophers, archaeologists, and psychologists have said before settling on his own analysis: “It will never be possible to establish the origins of human music with any certainty; however, it seems probable that music developed from the prosodic exchanges between mother and infant which foster the bond between them”.
This first chapter demonstrates the importance of academic research. Storr explores birdsong and nature’s sounds such as a babbling brook or the wind. He interviews experts in the field and never discounts their wisdom. Any academic should follow Storr’s example.

Music, Brain, and Body
Oliver Sacks speaks of the mind-body connection associated with music, but I feel Storr explores it with more depth.
For example, he describes as this connection as arousal, perhaps the most intense feeling a person can experience. Further, he explains, “During arousal, the electrical resistance of the skin is diminished; the pupil of the eye dilates; the respiratory rate may become either faster or slower, or else becomes irregular … There is an increase in muscular tone, which may be accompanied by physical restlessness”. I don’t know that I’ve ever had that type of response unless you count that one time I was fourth row watching my favorite band in concert!
Aside from describing the response to music as arousing, he asserts that hearing is the most important sense. He goes so far to state that deaf individuals are the most isolated because of their inability to hear sound. His paragraph on this subject reminds me of a scene in Mr. Holland’s Opus and a Duracell commercial. If you’ve seen Mr. Holland’s Opus, you might remember when character arranged a performance for his son, Cole and the school for the deaf. The students were enchanted by the lights blinking in rhythm of the music. Some students were able to hear or sense the beat of the 808 drum, and their faces lit up more than they did when they watched the lights. And do you remember the Duracell commercial when the boy just fitted with a hearing aid could hear the rain? In both examples, those glimpses of sound were incredible to the deaf individuals. And, it only further confirms the statements by Storr!

I’ll continue my analysis in my next blog. Stay tuned!

7 days without blogging causes the number of readers to become weak!

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in a week! It’s not that I don’t have blogging substance: I have 3 half blogs written! I’m just struggling with follow-through at the moment.

Writing is my favorite activity! I love being able to put the proverbial “pen to paper”. When I first accepted the job with Examiner.com, I was ecstatic. I was able to see my skill not only as a writer, but also as a journalist. And then my writing led to an education in music and introductions to new and established artists!

My excitement was beyond anything I’d ever felt before, and people were grateful for what I wrote. Even in my depression, I was able to write, at least, initially.

Now, I’m stuck with half-written blogs, I haven’t written for any media outlets in at least 4 months, and I almost feel like I’m losing that creative part of me that could write about anything! I’ve lost so much, physically and emotionally, over the past three years, but if I lose my ability to write articulate thought, I think I’ll feel 100% useless.

Well, this really is my blog to vent. Writing it all out on paper to try to explain myself to others would be pointless and would only result in a sore hand.

I am really going to put forth a diligent effort to finish my blogs I have started. Subjects include Proprietary Schools, Story-Telling Hip-hop, and the New York Jets. Of course, I will also continue my book discussions when I receive my next library book.

So, stay tuned. Don’t be discouraged, and please try not to be disappointed in me!

Musicophilia: Tales of Music & the Brain, Part 2

I’ve been taking my time reading Oliver Sacks’ Musicophilia: Tales of music and the brain (2007). As many of my readers know I am seeking to somehow integrate education and music. I’ve also discussed neuropsychologist and teacher, Judy Willis’ learning strategies developed through her initial understanding of how the brain works. With that in mind, Sacks’ book sounded like a necessary read.

Instead of reading from beginning to end, I chose select chapters that most interested me. And, in this second of a 4-part series, I will be sharing my thoughts on Sacks’ interest in music imagery.

Music Imagery
Sacks quotes Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn”, writing “Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter”. He says once we become intimately familiar with a song, we are able to see, feel, and hear it. Scientific studies have proven that an imagined song activates the same auditory nerves as heard music. And finally, inconclusive studies have shown that the same auditory nerves are active even when words or accompaniment are omitted, leaving unnecessary pauses in the song: this only occurred when the song was familiar to the participant.

I inadvertently stumbled upon this chapter as it directly proceeded the chapters on epilepsy, but I can attest to the truthfulness of the first statements on music imagery. I often think of songs I have sung or heard and immediately think of when or where I was when I last heard/sung the song. Just as the author writes, in my mind, I am transported to that place and time. I’ll remember what was said before, during or after the song. I’ll remember the choreography if any was performed. Sometimes I’ll even remember what I was wearing or what the artist was wearing. It may sound odd, but with my love of almost every genre, there’s also music videos to watch, songs I listen to repeatedly, and concerts to attend. As to the auditory studies, I’m not surprised that both heard and imagined music activate the same auditory nerves. What did surprise me was alternating heard an imagined music of a familiar affects our brains differently than the same process of unfamiliar music. I’m not sure if this is something I would want to pursue, but still it is interesting.

Feeling Depressed, Day 3

When you’re diagnosed with a disease, especially as an adult, you certainly go through the five steps – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. But what happens when you have to go through those steps so many times that you get stuck in depression?
I’ve had many opportunities to move through these steps.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
In 1998, I was diagnosed with PCOS. The Dr who diagnosed me knew very little of the disease. He simply told me I would never be able to have kids and prescribed birth control pills.
After college, I began seeing an endocrinologist. She told me I shouldn’t be on birth control pills, but rather a diabetic medication called metformin. The metformin made me incredibly sick, so I stopped taking it. I had already passed the denial stage and moved to anger. This good little Christian girl became very sexually active; granted, it was only two guys, but I let them use me. I didn’t care if we had a relationship, and I didn’t care that they were verbally abusive. I was just mad about my body so I thought by abusing it, I would feel better.
Bargaining was a progress that took 6 years before I hit depression. My husband and I tried to have a baby starting in 2002. Our first serious attempt involving hormones and intrauterine insemination. I became incredibly ill with an extremely low blood pressure and ovaries the size of softballs. I was hospitalized twice. We tried a less serious method until 2007. With a new Dr, we tried pills and then hormones.
Surgery in February of the next year finally produced a pregnancy – three, in fact – all of which ended in miscarriages. My husband and I agreed we needed to stop. Emotionally, I couldn’t handle another miscarriage.
Wouldn’t you know, depression set in immediately! I lost my job, became suicidal, and progressed to a year of counseling.
It wasn’t until the diagnosis of another disease that brought me to acceptance.

Tuberous Sclerosis
In 2010, I had my first complex partial seizure. It left me with general weakness on the right side of my body and a diagnosis of adult-onset Tuberous Sclerosis. I had two non-malignant tumors in my brain – one in my temporal lobe and one in my parietal lobe.
This time, denial was my biggest hurdle. The neurologist made a request for a permanent disabled placard for our car. My husband helped somewhat by saying I was only partially disabled. I rehabilitated to the point that I could use a cane. And my neurologist cleared me to drive and work.
I found a job almost immediately and for the first few weeks, I was fine. But, then the absence seizures started; then the slurred words; and finally forgetfulness and stuttering. I could no longer use my cane. I was back to using my walker. Depression, anger, and bargaining came all at once.
Then, April came. I suffered another partial complex seizure. What started as stuttering led to expressive aphasia and a complete inability to walk. I was in denial that a second major seizure could make me physically worse. I was in denial that I would need almost 24-hour care. I was angry that I couldn’t participate in conversations, and by the time I finished writing my thoughts, the topic had changed.
Now I’m stuck in depression. I’ve become agoraphobic, guilty of how much I have to depend on people. I’ve lost my independence, and motivation comes and goes. I sleep more than I should, and I hate leaving my house.
I have all the symptoms of a severely depressed individual. I’ve considered suicide, but I don’t have a plan, and I refuse to be hospitalized again. You could say I’m afraid to become so depressed to commit suicide or to have suicidal ideation.
So, where am I? I’m stuck at a point that I feel useless and helpless. I feel that I’m a burden to anyone who reaches out to help me. And, mostly, I’m sad, frustrated, and fearful of another major seizure that will affect my cognition. It seems that’s the only thing that I’m most proud of and where I feel I have the greatest talent.

Encouragement
I refuse to leave this blog on a bad note. There is always someone you can talk to – a friend or counselor. A positive diagnosis is definitely scary, but no matter what, you are a person who has a disease, not a diseased person. That is a concept that others have to continually remind me.
Finally, I encourage you, to the best of your ability, to make it to the final step – acceptance.

God’s Garden of Grace, Chapter 3

Well, I’ve got to get through chapter 3 or else I’ll never be able to finish this book.

I’m not sure how I interpreted this chapter the summer after my freshman year in college, but I think I missed a thing or two. I always thought that everyone around me had joy except for me. I struggled on and off with depression and anger, and my interpretation of joy only came in short bursts – like when I got to participate in the worship team or sing in the school choir, or when I joined various clubs on campus. Reading through Elizabeth George’s third chapter on joy being one of the fruits of the spirit made me realize two things: first of all, what I was feeling in those brief spurts of energy wasn’t joy, and second, what I was seeing in others that I so jealously wanted in my life wasn’t joy either. It was merely happiness at doing things and getting things. I was able to see myself in happiness and depression, but I wonder how many of my classmates had learned to hide their unhappy moments and firmly believe that their happiness was pure joy?

Chapter 3
George tells us first that joy was an important principle taught by Jesus, and it is an expression of Godliness. She tells us joy is permanent when we take on the name of Christ, but that same joy can be less evident if we are not walking in the spirit.
Like love, another fruit of the spirit, the Holy Spirit is always full of joy; it is always available when we are depleted or when we realize we are happy, but not joyful.
She summarizes with three important concepts.

• Joy is not dependent on circumstances, but on the spiritual realities of God’s goodness, His unconditional love for us, and His ultimate victory over sin and darkness.
• Joy is not based on our efforts, accomplishments, or willpower, but rather on the truth about our relationship with the Father through the Son.
• Joy is not merely an emotion, but the result of choosing to look beyond what appears to be true in our life to what is true about our forgiven, saved, and redeemed life in Christ.

For me, the most important lesson I’ve learned through reading this chapter is that joy is not an emotion. I will continue to have happy days and sad days. I’m beginning to think that my life is a rollercoaster of emotions. But no matter what I can choose to be joyful, and if that choice is difficult, the Holy Spirit is there to help me and fill me up with joy.
I do remember those times when I felt completely empty. Singing praise songs was my way of tuning into the spirit. Even though that’s not currently an option for me, I know there are other ways of walking in the spirit. So I would encourage you to not ignore your feelings, but recognize that Heavenly Father has given us the choice to experience joy if we simply ask and continue to walk in the spirit.

Study Guide
What perspective on suffering do you find in 1 Peter 1:6-8? What reason for joy is given here?
1 Peter 1:6-8 says, “Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory”.
What I understand from this verse is that Peter admits or rather understands that we will suffer either by our own hand or by forces we can’t control. Regardless, if we live by faith and still choose to rejoice, we will be refined and find our treasure in heaven.
When do you find it hardest to experience joy in the Lord? How do circumstances affect your joy? What sacrifice of praise might you offer even when circumstances weigh you down?
I admit I still struggle to understand the difference between happiness and joy – one being a feeling and one being a choice to supercede our feelings. When I’m having a bad day, it is difficult to do anything, much less ask the Holy Spirit for joy. But I’ve been told multiple times that sometimes action has to come first and motivation, second. So aside from writing on bad days, I can also add asking the Holy Spirit for joy to conquer my feelings.

Plan of action
Following the life of Hannah in the Old Testament, there are four things to better experience the joy of the Holy Spirit: quietly endure your pain, release any thoughts of vengeance, seek God in prayer, and offer a sacrifice of praise so that God can touch you with His joy.