I’ve been told to write even when I don’t feel like it. Somehow activity creates motivation, so here I am, creating motivation.
My day today was one of the most pointless. Phil was off work, but I didn’t even want to spend the day with him. My sleep has been messed up for the past few days. I don’t have any difficulty falling asleep; I just can’t stay asleep. I wake up every few hours, not feeling at all rested and still too exhausted to stay awake.
When I finally did wake up, Phil had left to go to the library, and I tried to entertain myself. Nothing worked. Playing Zuma on Xbox? Boring! Playing a game on my phone? Boring! I tried to get into a conversation on twitter or Facebook, but it just didn’t seem worth it. Even putting my music on shuffle with a mixture of Eminem, Jordan Knight, and indie.arie didn’t cheer me up. And then I take a look at chapter 3 of the book I’m reading – joy. Oh great; well I can’t read that with the day I’m having; so I did the only thing I am good at – sleeping.
Phil’s home now, but my mood hasn’t changed. I guess I have to just deal with the bad days.
The weird thing is I’d expect to feel anxious today. I’m being evaluated by a speech therapist tomorrow, and any day I’ll be finding out when I’ll be admitted to the hospital – my third hospital stay in yet another hospital. But I’ve learned how to discern depression and anxiety, and today is all about feeling depressed, useless, helpless, and one step away from tears.
I hope tomorrow’s a better day.